I have tried to repress my inner desire to write about the past year, or to talk about the coming one. However, I just can’t avoid it. Something about the mile marker of not only a new year, but a new decade as well seems to me to need some kind of written recognition. So with that, I throw in my thoughts to the heap of opinions on the year 2009.
I must say that I am none too sorry to see 2009 depart. My year was rocked with the intrusion of cancer into my mother’s life, and ultimately, her death. Yes, it was a hard year.
Seeing someone you love under the curse of a disease like cancer is incredibly hard and challenging. I don’t know how many times I went to bed last semester crying out to God for some kind of normalcy in my life. People would talk of plans for the break, how normal it would be, and I was faced with a return to a very abnormal situation. People would talk about plans for the summer, and I would wonder if I could even grant myself the idea of planning on one more break with my mother, much less any sort of summer plans. I watched from a distance as my mother continued to battle the disease, wondering just how much information I was getting over the phone. I didn’t really know how to talk about it with people, and people didn’t really ask me about it very often. There were times everything seemed as though it could be normal, but a call home would often remind me that it wasn’t.
How does one of the most influential people in your life simply cease to exist, in one year?
I’m perhaps still very much in shock when I think about one year ago. We went on a hike recently that intersected a similar hike my family took last year at this time. It was almost surreal to me to think that just a few short months ago, life was normal. I’m coming to terms with the absence, but not with just how quickly it really happened. Wow, if I had only known where I’d be now…
I think at the start of a new year, people often wonder what the future holds. I certainly do. But in this past year, I’ve realized just how glad I am that I don’t know the future. If I had been told a year ago, as my mom and I lived out a normal, happy mother-son relationship, that she would be gone a year later, I’m not sure how I would have handled it. Had I been told at Spring Break last year that it would be my last glimpse at the normal routine life of my mother, would I have welcomed those words? Doubtfully. And even after learning of her cancer, and it’s severity, had I been told that she would be dead before the close of the year, I don’t know that I would have been ready for it.
After all, when are you ready to learn that someone you love is about to die?
I think it is the mercy of God that we don’t know the future. My people told me after my mom’s death that they didn’t think they could have handled a similar situation the same way. That is certainly a testament to the grace God showed me and my family, and still continues to do so. But it also is a reflection of the result of walking the path before you. A year ago, I wasn’t ready for this; six months ago, I wasn’t ready. Now, I’d hesitate to say I’m ready, but I am at peace. I wouldn’t have been a year ago.
That isn’t to say there weren’t good moments of 2009. I particularly loved my study trip to Ireland. I’ve longed to travel overseas for years, and the opportunity to study for six weeks in another country was the best possible answer to that longing. Of course, it also further gave me the travel bug too. But I enjoyed my brief moment in Ireland. It was the best possible contrast to the news of my mother’s cancer.
Another highlight was the spring break trip I took with my friends, to my own backyard, quite literally. I was fortunate to bring a large group of college friends to my house, and do some camping nearby. I love where I have grown up, and it is a joy to share that with others. Of course, it too was a tainted trip, for it would be the last time I saw my mother well.
There were trips to Chicago, Nebraska, and Cafe on Broadway. Laughter, shared memories, and times with people. I was surrounded throughout the year by good people. My friendships grew, and I met new people. And in the middle of the most difficult news of my life, I was surrounded by more genuine friends than I think most people have. The only times I spent alone were the ones I chose to spend alone; that speaks very highly of more than a few people’s character in the circle of relationships I am blessed with.
My relationship with God grew in many ways, for nothing turns you to God more than a crisis at home. Quiet times that seem optional when all is well suddenly become the only way to keep going from day to day. Too bad it sometimes has to be that way, but at least it produces a good result.
And I enjoyed my family. Before the onsought of cancer, when everything was normal, I enjoyed sharing my college experience with my dad, mother and brother. I loved hearing about the changes at home, the books my mother was reading, the jobs my dad had, and the new drivers permit my brother held. I enjoyed the breaks I was home, getting to spend time with them. Then cancer came. But though cancer intends to destroy, it did not destroy my family. My close family became even closer, as we stood by my mother’s side, starting each day by praying with and for her, pausing in the midst of the day to pray again for her, and concluding the day by praying again. My mother didn’t want me to stay at home, even though she was ill. I think that would have been hard for her to have seen: the future of her child altered by her cancer. Of course it still altered my life, but not before it gave me a new appreciation of my mom, and the rest of my family. Nothing makes you hug someone tighter, than the realization of just how frail this short life really is.
So 2009 is over. I’m glad it is, but it would be incorrect to call it a horrible year. For with God, even what should have been the darkest year of my life, is only a dip in the stream. Had my mother not become ill, it would have been probably a fantastic year. But then again, some of the best lessons were from the reality of her condition. Both at home, at school, and among friends, life had a different perspective. I think I was more intentional with my life as a result of my mom’s cancer. It made 2009 just a little bit better at times. I hope the coming year brings more joys than 2009 did, but I also know that 2009 laid the foundation for what lies ahead. For it is just a step in the path. A cracked, uneven step from my perspective, but nonetheless important on the way. A year from now, come what may, the events of 2009 will affect the events of 2010. That should be interesting to see.
Welcome twenty-ten, it’s good to see you.
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