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Satisfaction

August 7, 2011 in Devotional Thoughts, Thoughts of the Day

I was reading the account of the Samaritan women at the well recently. One of those well known passages in Christianity. But I was struck by several verses:

The first:

“If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.”

John 4:10b

I was struck by this verse because Jesus seems to say to her: “if you knew who I am” in a way that–to me–sounds like he thought she at least might have a chance to figure it out. Maybe even a little provocative: “duh! c’mon, can’t you figure it out?” In other words, it isn’t as though he excuses her from being blind to his true identity; she had at least a chance of figuring it out. I suppose its mostly interesting to me because I have been thinking a lot about what it means to see Christ lately. I’ve written about it before. I realize that I arrogantly assume that, because I am a “good” Christian, I of course would recognize Christ in the flesh if I saw him. The more I am reading the gospel accounts, however, the more I have doubt in my real ability to see Him. Most people, including this Samaritan woman, really seem to have no clue when they saw him. I doubt I could have done much better in their shoes, really. (Not that I think it is impossible either, I just realize that I must not “lean on my own understanding”)

But really more interesting is that this is his response to her question, of basically, “why are you, a Jew, even talking to me?” Jesus doesn’t just come out and tell her. Why? It seems like it would have been so much easier to say “because I’m God” or something like that.

The other verse that struck me was the disciples prodding Jesus to eat some food:

Meanwhile the disciples were urging him, saying, “Rabbi, eat.” But he said to them, ”I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples said to one another, “Has anyone brought him something to eat?” Jesus said to them, ”My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work…”

John 4:31-34

Simple enough, his disciples are concerned about him. Earlier, at the beginning, it said he was tired from his journey. But he gives them a strange response: “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” They, of course, take him literary, which just completely baffles the disciples. Then, Jesus gives an explanation: ”My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work.”

What a picture of true satisfaction! Can you imagine being so immersed in God’s will, that you considered that food? Life? Can you imagine be so concerned about the concerns of God, that you  forget the needs of the body? No, I don’t wish to promote aestheticism, but I do wish I were more focused on doing the work of the Kingdom rather than promoting my own interest–which is, I’m pretty sure, what 90% of my time really ends up being about: me.

Anyway, the entire passage is beautiful, in my opinion, and probably could feed an entire series of writings. But I’ll leave it there for now. May you and I seek to recognize Christ as he is, be satisfied in the work of the Father, and may we be open to his leading.

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words

May 17, 2010 in Reflections on Grief

People tell me I’m good at expressing myself. People tell me that my writing encourages them, or helps them through grief in their own life. People tell me I should write for a living. Interesting. See, I really don’t have words for what I’m going through. I can babble and pontificate about a lot of small things, but I can’t put words to what I feel. I can’t even seem do that in my journal. I put only a small fraction of words down on paper that describe how I feel. And more often than not, I feel like I’m frantically grasping for a those words. I. just. don’t. have. words.

More often than not, I find the whole situation unbelievable. How I got here, I just don’t seem to know. Sure, I can give you all the points of the story, the news of her brain tumors–almost exactly one year ago–the news of her terminal cancer, etc. But those are all so superficial. They only tell of the events. There is something much deeper that is so utterly mysterious to me. I lie awake at night, in disbelief. You can’t really lose your mother, can you?

Stranger still are the moments where I feel like this is always the way things have been. The pictures of her on the wall seem like distant memories. Perhaps I conjured up some grand idea of a person. Or perhaps her life was some fantastic dream I had. There is of course memories of her everywhere, but am I just attaching meaning to those items? I have nothing tangible now, really. Only my memories. Was she ever really a part of my life?

I wish I could describe the pain. Pain. It is exhausting. I have lost count of the number of times I have felt physically ill this year. Sick? No…just grieving. Funny thing is that it can happen on the very best of days otherwise…when everything else seems to be going along just fine. Even as I write this, my heart physically aches. I can feel the grief in my body. And of course, I feel it emotionally. This process is so exhausting, my gosh sometimes I wish I could just step out of it all for a while. Just one day without grief…what a beautiful thing it would be.

C.S. Lewis described grief as being like fear. I can perhaps see that. It isn’t that I am afraid, but it feels much like being afraid. The feelings, the thoughts, the emotions, they torment much like fear. Grief is an inescapably overarching thing. I wake up with it. I go to bed with it. It haunts my dreams, and it clouds my days. I can not escape. How could I? Every part of life is connected, somehow. I am bombarded with things I want to share with her, questions I’d like to ask her…a conversation may bring back a memory of her, sitting at home, I could swear I see her. It hurts, it aches, it kills. I am in disbelief that I am actually watching this happen in my life.

What has happened seems like a story one reads about. It is the plot line from some cheesy movie, or perhaps the story of some distant person on the radio as I drove to work. Not my own life. The horror and reality of loss is massive. I think it is too big to even grasp as a whole entity. I have moments where I see bigger parts of the picture, and I am overwhelmed. It seems to big and to dark to be a part of my life. Life was so good before, wasn’t it? What happened to that? I feel like someone rudely awakened from their sleep. I did not ask for this, nor did I want it. I was happy and content…and I’d like that back now, please.

Nothing, nothing, is the same anymore. Things I use to enjoy have little interest to me now. Things I use to hate don’t bother me anymore. Nothing is the same. Life use to be a predictable ordeal. It isn’t anymore. Grief shakes and shatters everything in your life. Can you function? Yes. Doesn’t mean it is smooth, easy or predictable. Nor does it mean that it is the same as it was before. Many times I tell people I am doing ok. And I mean it with much sincerity. “Ok,” of course, means nothing of what it use to. It is now some very different thing entirely, and even it can’t really be predicted day-to-day.

Yet the bizarre thing of it is that it actually is not all that bad. Like some dull prison cell that becomes home, grief becomes some meaningful reality. Though nothing is the same, and nothing seems predictable, it has its own rhythm and feel. It is a good journey. What would have once seemed like the most horrid ordeal to endure, now it is everyday life. The day that once upon a time would have been a nightmare now marks a good day. And the good days, though not what they were, seem a whole lot better when you see how “bad” a day really can be. Grief teaches many lessons. I understand things that I doubt anyone would really understand, unless they’ve been through something similar. Though petty compensation for what I’ve lost, the lessons of grief have their place. I will live my life differently because of what has happened.

I am surprised more people have not asked me how this has affected my faith. Though it is not something that really even I know yet, I do wonder if it ever crosses the average mind how much this changes things? I fear bringing this up ever though because I might receive some cliché Christian answer to my questions, an answer I already know full well. Yet once again paradoxically, I can probably tell more stories of the goodness of God than many typical Christians. My faith has perhaps never been stronger. How? I don’t really know or understand.

I never really know anymore what any given day will bring. Thus far they have all been quite unpredictable and unexpected. The good days may pass without incident, and the bad days I am relieved when my head finally hits the pillow and I fall asleep. But every day still has the same pain and grief. It fills my mind, my heart…I feel it physically and emotionally. The loss is such a huge part of my life, that life itself seems to be consumed by it. How strange it all is…I wish I could get out. How much I don’t understand…I’m learning a lot.

I just don’t have the words for it.

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Looking at Loss

December 21, 2009 in Reflections on Grief

Tell someone you just lost your mother, and immediately you’ll have more notes, hugs, and sympathy than you know what to do with. It is good and it is needed. I find it interesting that, though people may not have experienced the same thing, universally people understand how hard it is to lose someone you love.

I think some people assume I must be having an incredibly difficult time in the wake of my mother’s death. Certainly, it is hard, but I think I’ve laughed more than I have cried in the days since her parting. The day I found out, several people told me that they thought they were more emotional about it than I was. How can someone learn of the lose of their mother, a very close friend, and that same day turn around and genuinely laugh and smile?

The shortest and most simple answer is the peace of God. Without God, I know my perspective on everything would be incredibly different. God promises peace, and he gives it generously to those who ask for it. It probably sounds cliché to the reader, but in a way I can’t even begin to describe it; in the most difficult time of my life, God has been there.

Christians know of God’s promise to never leave or forsake us, but I think at times it is easy to feel left and forsaken. In an hour where it would be very easy to feel that God has forsaken me, I have found instead that God is closer than ever. In Him I have joy, and that joy isn’t dependent on circumstances. I’ve always hoped and believed that it would be there through the darkest storms, and now I know it can be. I may have lost my mother, but my joy did not depart with her.

But perhaps another part of my grief, is understanding that there are two ways of looking at it.

On the one hand, it would be very easy to look at the death of my mother and feel cheated and robbed. No twenty year old should lose there mother; I think most people believe that intuitively. It can be very easy to start remembering my mom, and then start looking at all the lost opportunities. My future, my career, marriage—should I be so blessed, children, the lessons I learn, the people I know; there is so much that she’ll never get to see or talk about. Yes, it is very hard to think about those things, and it can create a feeling of being robbed.

On the other hand, and the view I choose to ascribe to as best I can, I can remember my mom’s life and all of the good memories with her. As I have remembered, talked about her, looked at family photos, and the home she created, I know so well how blessed I was to call her ‘mom’.

I suppose I’m biased, but she was an incredible woman. It was the love of a gracious God that allowed my life to not only intersect with hers, but to be shaped by it in the way only the role of ‘mother’ can shape a child. There are reminders of her motherly love everywhere I turn, and rather than be frustrated by the loss, I rejoice in the great gift I was given in a mother. In some ways, I can’t even feel sorrow knowing how much I really had.

Certainly, it is easy to say I lost so much; and I did. But by that very same token, I had so much. For whatever reason, God chose to make that relationship end earlier than most mother-son relationships do. But I am intensely grateful that even as brief as that time was, it was good time.

Some people don’t even get to know their parents, some people live in broken homes, and some have parents who don’t love their children as they should. To me that seems the greater loss. I may not have had a long relationship with my mother, but the years I did have were good years. I’m thankful for that, and that every time I remember her, it will be with a smile and a laugh, because that was who she was. I won’t have the pain of a lifelong relational wound whenever I think of her.

Ultimately I don’t really like using the word ‘loss’ or ‘death’ since because of the sacrifice of Christ, my mother’s death was really only a temporary separation. It is a loss only in that I must live these few short years on earth without the present-ness of my mother’s relationship. And to that, I can only say, I truly had so much. I have not lost, but gained; for now I can say that even though she is no longer here, my relationship with her is better than before. It may sound strange, but I appreciate her now even more than I did a year ago. I’ve always know I was blessed to call her mother, but I see that now more than ever in her absence. That too is a gift, for since I will see her again, I can give her an even bigger hug, and say “I’m so glad to see you mother.”

I’ll shed my tears, and I’ll have my sorrows, but it is only a reminder of what a gift I had. To my God, I am thankful for the beautiful years with my mother. To my mother, I am thankful for the love and care she showed. And to my friends and family, I’m thankful for the incredible support you have shown me. Yes, I have not lost, but gained. I truly have so much, and for that, my tears are tears of gratitude and joy.

What do you have?

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The Words of my Mouth

August 10, 2009 in Devotional Thoughts

“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14

If God were to audit you speech, what would he find? Would your words be pleasing to Him? This year words and speech have been on my heart a lot. The scripture says a lot about our words and our speech, but I wonder how seriously we take that sometimes. Gossip, complaints, words against our brothers and sisters in Christ, cruel jokes, unkind speech…these are all things I have heard come from the lips of Christians, and from my own lips. How sad it is that we fill our thoughts and words with these things!

This is a blog I have been intending to write for some time now, but keep putting it off because I keep finding new things that relate to this subject, and I keep wrestling with it myself. So instead of writing one blog on the topic, and trying to say everything (which for me would result in a small book, considering how wordy I am) I have instead decided to devote a category of my blog to “The Importance of Words.” Here I intend to post scriptures and stories that relate to this. I believe this is critically important to our Christian walk, and I for one want to look at it more closely.

I want to quote James 3:9-12 to start this “series” off. It really struck me what he says concerning the words that we speak about others.

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.”

I believe that “cursing” isn’t just speaking a spiritual curse over someone, as a witch might do. I’ve always read verses on cursing as meaning something along those lines, a curse; a spell. But what if it was more than just that, what if it were any negative word we spoke? What if our grumblings against other people, especially other Christians, was the same as cursing them? What if our thoughts about others were just as powerful as our words?

Ouch.

If then, that is what God means when he says not to curse one another, we ought to take this seriously. Our mouths praise God, and our mouths speak words against our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. When we speak against other people, we are speaking against a person made in the likeness of Almighty God. As James says, “This should not be.”

Judgment lies in the hands of God, not ours. I don’t believe this means to never say anything against the actions of another person, or that a wrong should not be addressed. Sometimes it is good to note how one might handle a situation differently than another person did, and sometimes a situation needs to be corrected. But we must be careful to distinguish between learning and gossip. Too often I think this type of conversation, “I don’t think So-and-So did that right” becomes just plain gossip and grumbling. One example I have heard among many single people is grumbling against dating couples—something I too have done. Though I have been hurt by decisions others have made, I want in no way to let that become grumbling: cursing, as James puts it. My heart has held onto decisions of others at times, and I have criticized in my heart and in my words them for those decisions long after it was the appropriate time to do so.

This type of thinking nearly brought some friendships to a close for me. I became guarded as I saw others doing things I didn’t like, and that in some cases hurt me. I also let lies form in my mind, comparing past actions to present, and concluding things that lead me from desiring friendship. I held onto old hurts, that though forgiven, I was unwilling to completely let go of. Things that happened in one friendship started to affect how I saw all of my friendships. Of course, when you are hurt, you become guarded—not always a good thing. Coupled with my struggles with loneliness, it became a potent combination that became close to terminating many good friendships with good people. God thankfully stopped me in that process, and healed that in my life.

That is why this is such a crucial area of our lives.

By allowing words and thoughts to crop up about others—by allowing ourselves to “curse” them—we foster something we do not want. It opens the door to hurt friendships—because you are speaking negative, hurtful words about others. It opens the door to lies—because you start to believe more and more lies about the people you are speaking about. It prevents you from seeing the good in their lives—because you become focused on their faults. It does not edify, but rather it destroys and tears down, at the expense of an image bearer of the Most High God.

They may seem like trivial, harmless words to you, but they are not harmless. Words are a powerful weapon that can be used for good or for evil; for life or for death. God takes words very seriously. We call the scriptures the Word of God. God spoke the world into existence. His words are powerful, and so are ours. We should guard ourselves then, with the words—and thoughts—that we speak. To do otherwise is to add a heavy weight to our spiritual walk. It hinders our ability to walk the Christian walk, something that should frighten us.

I for one do not want to let both praise and cursing come from my mouth. There is no place for it in my life, according to scripture. Certainly even though I have been working on this area for a while, I am not perfect. But by the grace and love of Christ, I hope to change. And I challenge you to pray about the words you speak. Ask God to show you what you are saying that is right, and what you are saying that is “cursing.” Ask Him to come and change your heart and your words. It’s time to grow up as Christians, and build each other up instead of tearing down. Let us consider the weight of all our words, and change our speech accordingly. It is critically important to our Christian walk.

May He find the words of your mouth, the meditations of your heart, and the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart pleasing to Him.

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