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Just a walk

January 26, 2009 in My Life

I haven’t really written anything for a while, but I have been wanting to for some time. For several reasons, mainly homework, but also a lack of a specific topic, I haven’t. At some point, however, it is going to drive me crazy. So I’ll put off the homework, and the stack of papers I need to grade (new job…maybe I’ll explain), and wander through the questions of thought that seem to linger in my mind. Housekeeping, I suppose I could call it.

I started last week stressed with my new school workload. I am taking 17 hours, with no particularly easy classes. On top of that I have what I consider to be three major commitments outside of school that consume a few hours every week from my time. And to add to that, I had a workstudy job basically fall in my lap over the break. I hadn’t even pursued workstudy, thinking I’d rather just concentrate on school. But last semester I found myself really missing a job. So when this opportunity came along, I was really excited. Anyway, so I have workstudy. I grade for a Western Civ class. Cool thing is I can pretty much do it on my own time—I don’t have to sit in an office, so it’s flexible. But still, it’s easily another 4-6 hours of time, at least, each week.

So, starting last week, I really was starting to wonder how in the world I was going to get everything done. To add to my stress, I didn’t get a lot accomplished—both because of choices I had made in my time, and commitments I had. I probably could have managed alright, but I had one more life issue add to my load: a question. Dang questions.

This one was just a short, random statement in my Basic Econ class, recommending the Business minor for History majors. I had thought of this before, but never seriously. Over the weekend, I started thinking about it. Suddenly, it started to make a lot of sense. But I wasn’t too worried about it because I assumed I had until next time I registered for classes to decide.

Well, that was a nice thought. But then a friend of mine suggested that if I were serious about this, I switch from Basic Econ to Macro Econ. And that’s where I ended up in a quandary. Because, obviously, if I were to do that, I would need to switch very soon.

So I started praying a lot, asking trusted people in my life—parents, advisors, profs, etc—and trying to decide if it was important.

By Tuesday, I really felt emotionally drained. I was wondering how in the world I was going to pull this semester off in a way that I was satisfied with.

Wednesday night I had a ton of stuff I was trying to do. And for a while, I’ve been meaning to get back on a good exercise routine. But homework always seemed to be too great to justify even an hour away from it. That night, though as much as any time I felt like I needed to be working, I decided to go to the gym. I split my time between the weight room, and a cycle. I multi-tasked and took a book to read on the bicycle –that way I at least got some of my reading for the next day done. Anyway, that was great, but then after that something even better happened.

I decided to walk around the Quad to cool off. I had my iPod, and started listening to some music. And in that walk, I was able to start relaxing about the semester. I also had one of those moments where I could just feel God with me. In the past year or two, I really have been able to tangibly feel the presence of God with me on a regular basis. But that night, feeling like He was right there walking with me seemed so real, and in a way that was new to me. It was comforting and relaxing. I ended up going around campus several times, just enjoying that time.

And in the days since, I have become a lot more relaxed. I always forget how stressful the first week or two back at school is. Somehow, I thought I was use to school, and this semester would be natural to start into. Well, it wasn’t. But now as things are finally coming together, and refocusing on my God, I am peaceful. I was able today to both accomplish a good amount of homework, and take some time off and have fun too. And even though there is still a lot I could and need to do, I also don’t have the uptight feeling I had for most of the week.

That’s my story right now, and that’s where I’m at. Man, I can’t believe I wrote that much, and yet have so much untouched thought in my recent history. I can’t seem to get away from tormenting questions, which seem to cover every area of my life. But God has been teaching me the past few months to keep my focus on him, even as the storm of question raged. In the meantime, it is good to be walking at the side of your Savior.

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Ambition

January 10, 2009 in Christian Life, My Christian Walk, My Life

I think my generation has a problem. Actually that is probably an understatement, it does have problems. But there is one that I have just started thinking about: ambition. I think this generation has a lack of ambition.

I had the chance to catch up with a good friend of mine today, and as we were talking about where our friends have ended up, I was struck. All the people I knew in high school from my area, with a few exceptions, are all more or less ‘just existing’. I’m one of the few people who left for college, beyond the local community college. Why is that, I have wondered. I’m no smarter, gifted, or able to go to college than anyone I knew, so why?

A frustration of mine with the people I knew in high school was a lack of ambition. Going to college isn’t for everyone, and isn’t the ultimate ambition for everyone. But even so, with a handful of exceptions (the friend of which I spoke earlier being one of them), no one held great ambitions for their life. No one had aspirations of serving God with their talents.

Somehow, I don’t really think it’s anything unique to my group of friends. I think that perhaps my age group just doesn’t care. Of course there are many many exceptions, but as a whole, I think this generation has failed to dream. I think the Christians my age haven’t all been thinking how they can serve God with their talents and abilities. I don’t think many even have tried to pursue the deepest possible walk with Christ.

Of course there are hundreds of exceptions, and maybe I’m being far too broad. I know many exceptions.

I don’t want to live that kind of life.

If I can’t pursue my faith, career, and relationships with everything I have; if I can’t have as much ambition for those things as possible, then I don’t know that it is a life I care to live. I have been listening to ‘The Motions‘ a lot lately, and I think it applies here. It is speaking primarily about pursuing an intense walk with God, but I think it applies to all areas of life. After all, if Christianity is what it says it is–and if Christians live that lifestyle–then pursuing a walk with God with passion also means pursuing all areas of your life with passion.

It is almost an insult, I think, if I am not willing to pursue God with everything I have. It is an insult to him if I am not willing to offer and use all of my talents and abilities for Him. It is an insult if I fail to value the people in my life that He has placed there.

The song says “I don’t want to spend my whole life asking / What if I had given everything?” So true! I don’t want to end this life with regrets. Of course there will probably always be things I wish I could do different, but I don’t want to live with any major regrets–”No regrets.”

The song also speaks of God’s “all-consuming passion”. I spoke with a friend once about being consumed by your faith. My friend commented that a lot of people seem afraid of it. People seem content to keep God in a box of their life, and not let Him beyond that box. But what if God consumed all that we are? What if the lines became so blurred, that the distinction of me and the fire of God’s passion was hard to see? I like ‘The Motions’ because it blurs those lines. It speaks of a life of passion, made whole by the love of God, pursuing life with excellence. No boxes, no line: unity. Shouldn’t our lives be whole?

That is the life I aspire to live, one without regrets. One centered and directed by the all-consuming passion of God. One of excellence.

So I will give my everything into my life. I won’t hold back. I will fight with passion, I will use the talents God has given me with excellence. I will pursue the relationships I have with people as if they, as a person, mattered and value them as an individual. Will it be easy? No. Will I become discouraged? Probably. But with God at my side, I’m willing to try it. I don’t want to spend my life asking, “what if I had given everything?”

That is the life I want to live. That is the ambition I have.

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On the verge

January 7, 2009 in Christian Life

A new song has entered into my life. You may have notice, songs are rather important to me. I’m rather picky about the music I choose to listen to. I’m glad to listen plenty of different things, but when it comes down to my own time and listening, I am pretty particular. You won’t find much secular music in my library. It’s not that I hold anything against it, there are some good songs and artists out there, and at times I wish I owned more of that type of music. But the majority of what I own is some form of Christian music. And I do so without apology. I know some complain that it isn’t as good as secular music, or what not, perhaps there is some truth to that.

But I listen to it because I think music has a major influence on our lives. No, I’m not saying secular music will corrupt you, or anything like that. But I am picky about what I listen to because it generally sticks with me. I find that, at any given time, an lack of really music usually results in some song or melody running through my head—the radio station in my head. Sadly this radio station can’t be tuned, so you are stuck with an often limited selection of whatever memory brings. And since I find this to be true, I’d rather have some sort of uplifting song that edifies my being rather than any old song. Like I said, nothing wrong with that, but that’s my preference. So I choose to own and listen to a primarily Christian bend of music.

A recent example was the song ‘By Your Side’. And to this day, it is still probably the most meaningful song in my life. I don’t think I could hear it too many times, it is as if God were speaking directly to me—and few songs feel like that to me. But I heard another song recently that I have been pondering, or rather it explains something I have been pondering.

In the past few months, questions have been unrelenting as they probe every aspect of my being. Answers come, but only bring with them more questions. I seem to have undergone a complete examination of my beliefs, my life, and my goals. At the time it started, I really had no idea. I have never set out with a feeling of needing to start over, or that I was going in the wrong direction, or that I believed the wrong things. Yet I seem to have questioned every single one of those things. This probably sounds like a potential repetition of previous blogs. But I promise it’s not.

Yes, questions have come, and persisted, but one thing has become clear. While I don’t see why, I do see where to go. That is what is important. And I see enough to run as hard as I can towards that end. I guess what I am finding is that the questions, while they need to be asked, are bogging me down. I know what is important, it’s time to just accept what I do know and not let that keep me from pursuing the goal that God has set before me.

I have such a strong sense of vision for my life since the questions began to come several months ago. It’s not that I lacked it before, but it is so much more real and tangible to me now. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it looks like, but I feel like God has revealed some of the questions I was trying to work out to me. I see now some of the giftings on my life, and I am no longer afraid of them. It’s ok to pursue excellence in the areas I am able to. In fact, I believe to do anything less would be an insult.

So, the song…it’s ‘The Motions’ by Matthew West. What stands out: “I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking What if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions” You really need to listen to it to understand…so do that now and come back to me.

I think the reason I turn to music so often is because it seems to articulate and convey my heart in a way that words cannot. This song placed exactly where I am at right now. I wrested with my beliefs the past few months, and while I’m still sorting out the answers, I don’t want to let that stop me from what is in front of me. I don’t want to look back at my life and wonder what would have happen if I had given my future, and my faith, my everything.

It is a resolve, then, that I cannot wait for all of the questions to resolve themselves. I know where my Confidence lies, and I am content to rest in that. I cannot be afraid of the path in front of me, though it may not be what I would have expected. If God is pointing me towards a goal, I can’t be afraid of running after it.

So I challenge you…if you feel the hand of God pushing you forward on your journey of life, don’t hold back. If you feel the draw of God to pursue Him more passionately, even if you don’t understand it all, don’t hold back.

We live in a time when Christianity means so little. For many, it’s just going to church on Sundays. Or a quick prayer at a meal. Shouldn’t it be an all-consuming permeation of our very beings? Shouldn’t Christians radiate the glory of the salvation they have found? Shouldn’t Christians be willing to give everything in pursuit of the God who is pursuing them?

If Christianity is what it says it is, than I want it to consume me. I want to live a live entirely sold-out to God. I don’t want to go through the motions of Christianity, I want to live a life without regrets.

Anyway, I digress. This is a subject I seem to write on rather often, so I guess I have it well covered.

So if in the coming semester, I seem more focused, perhaps you will understand why. I am on the verge of my life, and I don’t want to hold back.

—

Lyrics

This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

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What a Joy Friendship Is

December 23, 2008 in Relationships & Dating

I have been thinking a lot lately about friendship, and how we interact with each other. I started to write a blog the other day on it, but it became muddled down in defining friendship, so I relegated it to simply another entry in my growing electronic journal. However, after more time to ponder it in my head, and with a blank ‘page’, I start again.

Trying to understand friendship is hard. It is a broad subject, and there are so many complexities to it. The one that has been on my mind a lot lately, is interaction. It came up in a conversation I was having recently. Part of my personality is that I am an introvert. That doesn’t mean anti-social, but it does mean people—big groups especially—are ‘draining’ rather than ‘recharging’ to me. But it has another implication: I find myself too often using my introverted, quietness as a reason to avoid interaction with people.

It’s not that I don’t talk to people, or my friends. Or that I always want to be quiet. But I do find that some days, I don’t want to go out of my way to interact with my friends. An example…I was in the mac lab not too long ago working on a project of mine. I was facing away from the door, so I couldn’t see anyone walk in. Well, I finished up my project, and started to leave. As I was walking out the door, I saw a couple of my friends working, they didn’t see me, so I just kept on going. But I started to wonder, why? Why did I keep walking, when I could have spent just a couple of minutes to say hi and see what they were up to. I had nothing going on, no hurry, yet I didn’t want to make the effort to interact with them.

That isn’t an isolated example, either. I find myself on a regular basis passing up some simple interaction with the people around me. Like I said, it’s not that I never try to talk to people, or never go out of my way to do so, but sometimes I’d just rather keep to myself. And for what reason? I am good about taking deliberate time to myself, so it’s not as though I need the quiet time. Plus, I know it really blesses me when I know people have gone out of their way to just say hi to me. Why don’t I try harder to do the same?

Why do I even think this is important? I think because it is simply one more way we can value our friends. I am incredibly grateful for the people God has placed in my life. I have the privilege of having some very good, close friends. As such, I think I do them a disservice when I am content to simply keep to myself ; I don’t think staying in my own world, when it would be so easy to say ‘hi’, is the mark of a good friend. And if I want to truly be a good friend, I ought to be better at interacting with people.

So, part of my resolve to pursue good, meaningful friendships, is being willing to push myself outside of my own box sometimes, and say ‘hi’ or ‘how are you’, and start a conversation. Instead of letting a friend of mine walk a few paces ahead of me as I go to class, I want to make the extra effort to try and talk with them. Sometimes it’s the little things like that, that really stand out in a friendship.

Yet another aspect of this…compliments. I was reading a note by a friend of mine tonight, talking about reading old yearbook comments from high school and what people thought. While I don’t have a high school yearbook, I can relate. A high school program I was in had a tradition where every participant left some kind of remark or note for graduating seniors. I still have those, and they mean a lot to me. But it makes me ask another question: how good am I at complimenting my friends? It seems to me that part of the significance of old yearbook comments, or notes from old friends, is having a way to remember what people like about you…or maybe even something you needed to work on.

Compliments are special. It doesn’t really matter who it is, when someone compliments me—as long as it is sincere—it means something to me. I remember it for a long time, and ‘store’ it in my memories. But, sometimes those words are forgotten with the passing of time. I guess that is why having an old yearbook, or written compliments is nice. You can look back, and see a glimpse of who you were, and who you are.

Well, I digress into a discussion of why it means something. Really my point was that compliments are nice. And maybe as a part of valuing our friends, we should be better about issuing compliments. Maybe not always even the ones that would make a yearbook comment, even just simple everyday ones are good.

There are many ways I could go on about this, but hopefully my point is clear. I want to value the friends around me. I want to be good about doing and saying things that send a message that I care about them as a person. God loves and cares for each human, and consequently, each of my friends. My quest is to be able, to the best of my limited human capability, to be a human reminder of that love of God. One of the great mysteries of the Christian faith is that God chooses to work through weak human vessels. He doesn’t need us, but he chooses to use us as a part of his plan. Doing so grows our own faith; of that I am convinces. But maybe he uses us to reveal a bit of himself to the people around us. Maybe we are, at times, human reminders to others about God’s love and care for them.

If so, then it seems to me that valuing my friends—through simple interaction, compliments, hugs, and maybe even just a smile—would seem to be one of the most important things I can do. Not by my own strength, but by the grace and strength of the Heavenly Father, perhaps so. It’s not simple, or easy, but it is the joy of friendship.

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Something To Live For

July 9, 2008 in Christian Life, The JBU days

I’ve been reading “Blue Like Jazz” this past year (thanks to my Aunt for sending it to me!), and have really enjoyed it. Could definitely recommend it. Anyway, reading today something stood out to me. Donald Miller talks about a conversation he had with a friend who asked what he would die for. Donald said he’d die for his faith, and a few people he knew. But then, another friend, asked what he would live for. Dying, according to this friend, is easy because it is associated with glory. Living is much harder, because there is no glory or recognition for that. “We live for what we believe,” this friend, Andrew, told him. Donald then made this powerful comment:

If Andrew … is right, if I live for what I believe then I don’t believe very many noble things. My life testifies that the first thing I believe is that I am the most important person in the world. My life testifies to this because I care more about my food and shelter and happiness than about anybody else.

(Blue Like Jazz, pg 111-112)

What does your life testify to? What do you live for? “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it” (Luke 17:33). I have often thought that it is a good thing that people can’t see how I spend all of my time. Because the truth of the matter is Read the rest of this entry →

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