Well, I’m writing again. In case you haven’t gathered, I’ve had a lot of thoughts on my mind. Trust me, I am hardly out of thoughts either. But this is something I really feel I need to write about. It’s a different subject than my past few blogs. In all honesty, it is not really something I cared to publish—I’d really be happy to keep it to myself and the pages of my digital journal. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks about such things, so I’ll share my perspective. It may not be right, in fact I’m sure there are things I have wrong. But one of the values of people sharing their perspective is that it helps you clarify your own thoughts. I am most grateful to the people I know who share their thoughts in blogs or notes (and you are more than welcome to make your blog known/tag me in such writings). So I share.

My chosen subject is…sexuality. Since our chapel speaker during ‘relationship enrichment week’—or whatever we call it—I have been thinking about it. Which probably sounds potentially very weird and wrong. But I think it is a subject that is avoided because of that. Even so, if it makes you feel better we could say ‘gender identity’ or ‘male/female roles’ or ‘male/female interaction and attraction’ if that makes you feel better. My thoughts specifically are on boy/girl relationships, and our own understanding of ourselves, particularly as a single individual.

I think there is a tendency to avoid the subject, because it is rather uncomfortable. We just don’t like to talk about it. Or even think about it—or at least I don’t. It’s easier to try to forget that it exists in my life, and what it mean, than it is to deal with it.

Now, so as to be clear, I’m not talking about physical sexuality…having sex, or even just physical touch between the genders. I’m sure much more could be said about that. No, I really want to focus on the interaction of men and women of college age.

For one thing, I think we have this tendency to pretend like we are really ‘looking’ and just want friendship. And of course that is a reasonable—and achievable—desire and goal. But let’s be honest, at this age, unless you are already married or almost so, every single member of the opposite sex could potentially be a spouse. Now perhaps you are thinking that there are SOME who you would never want to marry—which proves my point. The very fact you could single out individuals who you would or would not consider as a spouse means you have thought of it. Now this doesn’t mean you can’t ‘just be friends’ with someone, and I would argue that you should try to do that. But it does mean, I think it would be healthy to admit that you are ‘keeping your eyes open’. And then, of course, there is the whole ‘like’ thing.

You know when you ‘like’ someone. You see them and your day is better. You like being around them. You are ‘interested’. Really ‘like’ is a horrible word for what we mean here, after all it means so many different things “A is like B”, and of course the excellent filler-word “so, like, what are we talking about here?” But nonetheless, I will use it anyway, because it does have the meaning of ‘liking’ a person (boy/girl). ‘Interested’ might also be a good word. This seems pretty universally understood. But I think it’s still hard because there seem to be a lot of different ‘stages’ to liking a person. Like (ha) I said, I have ‘liked’ plenty of girls, but some more than others. It’s not a simple black and white think (I like her, or I don’t like her), but rather it seems to be a gradient scale, with each ‘like’ being different from the other ‘likes’. Anyway, enough of the scale thing…at its core, when you ‘like’ a person—while that may be different each time and depending on the person—you think about them more than other people (here is the scale thing: sometimes a little more than other people, and sometimes they are pretty much all you think about), get that special jittery feeling when you are around them, and yeah, just ‘like’ them.

This summer, as I was sorting through my views on dating—and what I wanted it to look like for me, I made the decision to do ‘coffee dates’. That is, informal, casual ‘dates’ with my female friends. Nothing romantic implied, just a chance to hang out and talk. For one thing, I really prefer talking with someone one-on-one verses a group setting, or at least a small group, with just 3 or 4 people. Anyway, for me it marked a conscience decision to become better friends with the girls I knew. Thus, while I only did a handful of actual ‘coffee dates’, because of the decision to approach my female friendships that way, I pursued ‘just friendship’ in many other settings of college life. In other words, I made a decision that I wanted to be better friends with a few of the girls I knew, so I decided to do that. Coffee dates were the key to that, but almost a symbol really. Or a gateway. Something like that.

Anyway, where I was going with that….I’m really glad I made that decision. Rather than a much more distant kind of friendship I felt like I had before, I actually gained some good female friends. I wouldn’t change that at all.

But there is an interesting thing I’ve noticed. When I made that decision, I think I expected to view those friendships in a ‘platonic’ way. That is, before this summer, I found myself ‘liking’ girls and going through all the ‘could this be the one?’ questions that I think everyone goes through. So, when I decided to pursue good friendships, I guess I expected to view those friendships, as just that, friendships—with none of the ‘liking’ thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still thought I’d like girls—something would be wrong if I didn’t—but I did think it would change my focus. I didn’t think I would get caught up in being even somewhat interested in someone. Just be friends, and perhaps in time that would change. Ha. Yeah, that was a nice thought.
To my surprise, I found that nothing really changed. Cursed male hormones continued to keep me thinking ‘what if she’s the one?’ This idea, shift of thought, was suppose to make my life easier! It was suppose to change the focus from being on trying to date—or get to a point of dating—to just a simple friendship. I’m not saying I was head-over-heals all the time, but there was at least some part of me that often felt suspiciously happy around a given girl. As I said, there are definitely different stages of ‘like’ and most of the time it was easy to relegate my ‘likings’ to a dusty corner and just ignore the feelings because they weren’t anything too major.

Even so, I do think having a different perspective on my friendships with girls has been a good thing. And while it didn’t remove the attractions I would feel towards certain females, it did shift my focus. I realized ‘liking’ someone didn’t have to mean anything romantic, but maybe was just a reason to get to know them better. Especially since that ‘type’ of ‘liking’ seems to be especially volatile. Such feelings can come and go frequently, and without much rhyme or reason. Seems better to me to just keep a steady friendship. In time, even without a lot of personal experience, I think those feelings can become more serious. The ‘like’ goes to a stage that is clearly something more than a friendship. Or at least something that could be.

So, in sum I guess I would say I’ve come to realize several things: One, I seem to like girls, and I don’t seem to be able to become good friends with a girl, without at some point in time, becoming at least mildly ‘interested’ in her or asking that ‘what if she’s the one?’ question. Second, realizing the last point, and choosing to just let it be and pursue meaningful friendship regardless of attraction. Third, that pursuing that meaningful friendship is very fulfilling—we are made for interaction with the opposite sex (confusing though they may be), pursing that interaction in a healthy way is rewarding.

Just my continuing thoughts over the past few months. Don’t freak out. If you don’t agree, tell me why. I’m still trying to figure all this out. In the meantime, I intend to continue pursuing my friendships.