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Transitions?

March 8, 2011 in Questions

This questions is probably aimed more at my fellow seniors, who will be graduating soon, but definitely a question for anyone to answer. If you attended chapel today, and the luncheon afterwards, this may be repetative, but I’d still be curious to hear what you think.

What does a good transition look like to you? What will be hard about leaving JBU and what are you looking forward to?

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Something to be Thankful For

November 18, 2009 in Cancer, My Life

Sometimes I feel like all the discussion on being thankful at Thanksgiving becomes cliche. I’m a thankful person, I’m grateful for the things that God has given me. But with Thanksgiving drawing near, this year I’m finding that being thankful has many new dimensions.

 

I write this as an encouragement to my (in particular) college readers to be thankful for something this Thanksgiving: your family. I know that ‘family’ and ‘friends’ are often the first things that we say when we list what we are thankful for. But going beyond that, I encourage you to be thankful for the time you have with your family this Thanksgiving.

 

If you aren’t familiar with my life of late, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over the summer–the second time in her life to receive a cancer diagnose. Unlike eleven years ago, however, the diagnoses this summer was terminal. There is no medical treatment for her, and her time-frame, according to the doctors, is very short. Now my mother’s story is still unfolding, and the time she has is up to God, not the doctors, but her situation has provoked a lot of thinking for me the past 6 months.

 

In particular, I realize as Thanksgiving approaches, I have a certain amount of jealousy towards my friends as they talk about their Thanksgiving plans. In general, the pain of my mother’s situation doesn’t come up talking to others–even when I’m talking about her. Talking about fall break was not a problem at all. But recently I’ve noticed in myself an ache whenever I hear about Thanksgiving plans. I’m going home, and really looking forward to seeing my family, so why does this topic cause this reaction in me?

 

You see, what I am coming to realize is that I realize what I’m missing. The majority of the people I talk to will be spending Thanksgiving with their families, or friends. There will be the usual traditions for each respective family, food, fellowship and memories. What will I be going home to? My family–and plenty of my own good conversations and memories. But Thanksgiving for me this year looks like something totally new and different. There won’t be the typical Thanksgiving day because, in truth, no day is exactly typical anymore. My mom can’t cook, and that is hard not because of the food so much as because of the change. This Thanksgiving for me is not normal. I am confronted with a situation that, baring the grace of God, means my family won’t be the same a year from now. In a season that is so family focused, the reminder of the frailty of life is an even more constant reminder.

 

This thought strikes me even more because, one year ago, everything was fine.

 

Normal. I cannot express how much I miss the concept of “normal”. One year ago, I thought everything was going great, and it was.

 

But things can change quickly. I went home last spring for Spring Break. It was a great time with my family and with some of my friends. But guess what–that was the last time I saw my mother “normal”.

 

My return from JBU after finals ended was to a mother who could barely walk to the door to give me a hug. Of course, at that point we thought it was only an inner-ear infection (oh how I wish it had been!). Within a couple of weeks, with my departure to Ireland, she didn’t even stand up to hug me goodbye, or drive with us to take me to the airport shuttle. And it was in Ireland that I learned she had major cancer, and a very short time-frame of life left. Thats a span of just about two months. Two months, and my entire life changed unalterably forever.

 

I share the timeline with you because I want to make a point: we don’t know what the future holds.

 

I know how easy it is, especially in college, to take your family and friends for granted. It is hard to picture life changing at all. But it does.

 

My goal is not to be depressing at all. The future can–and will–also hold many joys. And I hope too that if you see me, you aren’t hesitant at all to talk about Thanksgiving. I need to hear “normal” and I want to be excited about what you have in store for you. So don’t fear that talking about Thanksgiving, or anything, might be too hard for me to hear. I need that conversation more than you may know. But what I do ask is that when you see me, you’ll remember too that things can change and that you won’t take your time with those you love for granted. Unless you have ever lost someone close to you, especially from some unnatural and unexpected cause, valuing the time you have with others is incredibly easy to take for granted.

 

This Thanksgiving, take a minute and thank God for the time you have with the ones you love. Enjoy them, and don’t let the moment pass you by without enjoying it to the fullest you can. You can’t know what the future holds, but you can enjoy what God has given you in the moment. That’s what I’ll be doing this Thanksgiving, enjoying the precious time God has given me with not just my mom, but my entire family. I hope and pray there are many more Thanksgivings with them, but I realize now so much better that the future is not certain. I only hope I can make the most of the present, and I hope you can do the same.

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The Questions I am Asking.

February 14, 2009 in My Life

What is a friendship worth to you?

Are the people you hang out with important to you, and if so, how do you show that value to them?

I’m a question guy. I spend much of my life thinking about questions, and what the answers to those questions could be. Today, even, someone saw me and asked if I was doing alright. Apparently I looked depressed; I wasn’t, I had just finished a class that covered some of the Holocaust. So I was thinking. Pulling themes from that, books I’ve read lately, and current life. Anyway, nothing to smile over, but I personally was doing fine. Digression aside, my point is that I seem to come up with a lot of questions as I cogitate my life, and what goes on around me.

Continual topic of questions: friendships, and people.

Last week, I people watched. I also blogged about it. Summary: basically I sat in the caf for a good 45 minutes to an hour, in the middle of a high-traffic area, and only three people acknowledged my presence in any way. In some ways, I wasn’t too surprised. In other ways, I was shocked. It wasn’t hard to seem me, I was even trying to make eye contact with people I knew. Nothing. So, I’ve been thinking about the implications of that this past week.

One, how do I come across to the people I know? Talking about the situation, someone commented that, knowing that I am an introvert, and do actively seek time by myself, if they were to see me would probably leave me alone. Which was interesting. From my perspective, I seek time to myself in a place other than the caf. Yes, I do go sit by myself sometimes, but I also have no issues with someone I know sitting with me. I just don’t want people feeling ‘sorry’ for me because I’m alone; not people leaving me alone per say. If I truly want to be alone, I make sure I will be left alone. In my room, on a walk outside of JBU, a drive…I have my ways. Anyway, the comment was interesting because it made me wonder what people think of me (not a new question for me, or most people I would suspect). And specifically, do I come across in a way that would make someone question whether or not they would talk to me if they saw me by myself. Interesting…

Do I do that? (Reoccurring question; keep reading)

Another question, how ingrained in our own lives and worlds are we that we miss the world around us. Sitting that day in the caf, I was ‘ignored’ by friend and stranger alike. And by ‘ignored’, I mean no eye contact, no glance in my direction, no talking, nothing. I’m sure people saw me, it’s not as though I was invisible. And I think most of what happened was simply because people were focused on the task at hand: getting food (which is quite important). But, are we so wrapped up in what we are doing that we don’t notice something outside of what affects us? Of course we see people all the time…but do we notice them? Or are we just going through life, and unless it involves us, are we content to just leave them alone?

Do I just walk through life like that?

The sad truth is, I don’t just wonder if I do; I know I do.

I have walked passed so many people, and completely ‘ignored’ them.

I have seen people I know, and made no effort to go out of my way to say anything to them.

Even to close friends.

Why?

Is my life so important that I can’t deviate my planned course for one minute to say ‘hi’? Am I too comfortable in my own life, that I don’t want to step out a bit and interact?

So, taking such questions into consideration, I tried to be at least a little bit different this week. I slowed down a bit as I gathered my food from the different stations. I looked at people. Not in the way that ignores their presence, but actually noticing they exist. Making eye contact. Talking to people.

It’s interesting, even trying to make eye contact, few people do. I have been trying to catch people’s glances as they walk by, and some do, and some act like they don’t want to admit that I am even there. But, if nothing else, hopefully I haven’t acted the same way.

Why? Why is this even important?

Because, I think friendships have value. People have value. To just walk by with my head down, or avoid eye contact, is to treat a person in a way that doesn’t dignify them with that value that they have. I don’t think that’s right.

The other night, I was working through some personal issues I have with my friendships. I’m going to be open here, this is something I work through a lot. The details aren’t important, but basically I was dealing with feeling left out. Somehow I seem to do this a lot. For unjustified reasons, I use pointless examples to convince myself that I have been left out, and that people don’t care about me. It’s a lie, I know it’s a lie, yet I buy into it again and again. It’s the trivial things usually too, things that no one intends to mean anything at all. Yet, being the over-analytical person I am, I read into them. Some days it might even be walking down a side walk, and feeling completely non-existent as people walk by.

It’s a weakness that I am having to turn over to God, bit by bit, piece by piece. I wish I didn’t go through this, that I would learn. Yet, it draws me closer to God. The only place I know to go with that frustration and that insecurity, is to God. And every time, every time, he picks me up.

In fact, he did the other night. Something had happened, or more accurately, hadn’t happened for me, and so I was struggling with feeling left out. A danger this leads me to sometimes, is to not care about the friends I do have—after all, if I feel like they don’t care about me, why should I keep working to have the friendship? (selfish, yes; wrong, yes; yet I have this question go through my head time and time again) So, that was the place I was at. I prayed a simple prayer: “God, highlight the important friendships in my life; I question how much people value my friendship, show me people that do.”

In the past 26 hours since I have prayed that prayer, here is what has happened. Somehow, my feelings of ‘aloneness’ and feeling left out completely disappeared. The issue that had caused this in the first place, well it’s still there, but I think I view it in a correct light. Not only that, but multiple situations, little things, have happened since then, answering my prayer so well. Just one example. Right after, almost literally, praying that prayer, something happened. I was sitting in a secluded corner of Walker, only a few people were there. I had wanted to be in the prayer closet, but it was occupied, so I chose a corner of the student center for myself. I had my Bible and an iPod. I was in my own world as I could be. A friend of mine came in at the other end of the building, proceeded to head towards the dorms, but he noticed me. And he stopped, changed directions completely, and came to my table to say ‘hi’. I don’t even remember the conversation, it probably lasted a minute at the most. But that single event meant a lot to me. God answered my prayer in that simple action. My friend may never even know what that meant to me. He wasn’t trying to affect me in any way, only to talk a bit. I had enough value to him in that moment to justify a change in his plans to interact with me.

So, where I’m at right now is asking the question, how do I convey to the people around me that they have value, and that I recognize that? What are the simple things I can do to show that, because it is often the simple things that say the most.

I fail at this in 101 different ways. But I hope to fail only 100 ways next week, and 99 ways the next. God will certainly have to show me this again and again. I will have prayers exactly like that again. I will feel alone and left out again. I’ll be guilt of the exact same ‘ignoring’ other people again. And each time, hopefully by God’s grace, I will be a little better. It seems worth it to me, even if I still feel like I go through the same basic issue again and again. The steps may seem insignificant, almost non existent. But better to take them than to never try at all.

After my people watching experience (which, by the way was NOT one of my ‘feeling left out’ situations), I think this may be something a lot of people could be better at. Imagine what could change if those small, insignificant decisions were made to actually notice people.

What if we walked down the sidewalk and looked at people, instead of at our feet?

What if we, as we rush through the lines of the caf, we take note of the people around us? Nothing extraordinary, just eye contact and a smile. It says a lot.

What if, instead of focusing on the next place we need to be, we take a moment to go out of our way to say ‘hi’ to someone?

What if we just tried to show that we care?

These are the questions I ask. These are the answers I am trying to find. Do you?

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Just a walk

January 26, 2009 in My Life

I haven’t really written anything for a while, but I have been wanting to for some time. For several reasons, mainly homework, but also a lack of a specific topic, I haven’t. At some point, however, it is going to drive me crazy. So I’ll put off the homework, and the stack of papers I need to grade (new job…maybe I’ll explain), and wander through the questions of thought that seem to linger in my mind. Housekeeping, I suppose I could call it.

I started last week stressed with my new school workload. I am taking 17 hours, with no particularly easy classes. On top of that I have what I consider to be three major commitments outside of school that consume a few hours every week from my time. And to add to that, I had a workstudy job basically fall in my lap over the break. I hadn’t even pursued workstudy, thinking I’d rather just concentrate on school. But last semester I found myself really missing a job. So when this opportunity came along, I was really excited. Anyway, so I have workstudy. I grade for a Western Civ class. Cool thing is I can pretty much do it on my own time—I don’t have to sit in an office, so it’s flexible. But still, it’s easily another 4-6 hours of time, at least, each week.

So, starting last week, I really was starting to wonder how in the world I was going to get everything done. To add to my stress, I didn’t get a lot accomplished—both because of choices I had made in my time, and commitments I had. I probably could have managed alright, but I had one more life issue add to my load: a question. Dang questions.

This one was just a short, random statement in my Basic Econ class, recommending the Business minor for History majors. I had thought of this before, but never seriously. Over the weekend, I started thinking about it. Suddenly, it started to make a lot of sense. But I wasn’t too worried about it because I assumed I had until next time I registered for classes to decide.

Well, that was a nice thought. But then a friend of mine suggested that if I were serious about this, I switch from Basic Econ to Macro Econ. And that’s where I ended up in a quandary. Because, obviously, if I were to do that, I would need to switch very soon.

So I started praying a lot, asking trusted people in my life—parents, advisors, profs, etc—and trying to decide if it was important.

By Tuesday, I really felt emotionally drained. I was wondering how in the world I was going to pull this semester off in a way that I was satisfied with.

Wednesday night I had a ton of stuff I was trying to do. And for a while, I’ve been meaning to get back on a good exercise routine. But homework always seemed to be too great to justify even an hour away from it. That night, though as much as any time I felt like I needed to be working, I decided to go to the gym. I split my time between the weight room, and a cycle. I multi-tasked and took a book to read on the bicycle –that way I at least got some of my reading for the next day done. Anyway, that was great, but then after that something even better happened.

I decided to walk around the Quad to cool off. I had my iPod, and started listening to some music. And in that walk, I was able to start relaxing about the semester. I also had one of those moments where I could just feel God with me. In the past year or two, I really have been able to tangibly feel the presence of God with me on a regular basis. But that night, feeling like He was right there walking with me seemed so real, and in a way that was new to me. It was comforting and relaxing. I ended up going around campus several times, just enjoying that time.

And in the days since, I have become a lot more relaxed. I always forget how stressful the first week or two back at school is. Somehow, I thought I was use to school, and this semester would be natural to start into. Well, it wasn’t. But now as things are finally coming together, and refocusing on my God, I am peaceful. I was able today to both accomplish a good amount of homework, and take some time off and have fun too. And even though there is still a lot I could and need to do, I also don’t have the uptight feeling I had for most of the week.

That’s my story right now, and that’s where I’m at. Man, I can’t believe I wrote that much, and yet have so much untouched thought in my recent history. I can’t seem to get away from tormenting questions, which seem to cover every area of my life. But God has been teaching me the past few months to keep my focus on him, even as the storm of question raged. In the meantime, it is good to be walking at the side of your Savior.

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